Tuesday, 27 March 2012

sexy back!! day 14

fucking awesome. those are 2 words that describe today. oh sure, the little taste of summer we had last week with the super weird, yet AMAZING heat wave we had is long gone, and it seems winter is back with a vengeance. fucking canada. but despite all of that, i know the cold and wind simply can't stick around forever. 


i went for a little walk to my mom's today to visit her and my little bro. it was nice, especially since mom is 3 months sober. we played a few games of crib and talked. after that i went home, expecting to be bitched at by BF, since i had been gone for hours when i only went over to borrow some potatoes. BUT he didn't mind, and even seemed to be enjoying his afternoon with the kids. the end of his man-struation? i hope so. impending apocalypse? more likely. 


anyway, i didn't get a chance to work out until 8:30 tonight. i did insanity's plyometric cardio circuit {my fave!!}, and i felt strong. the only thing that sucks is that i get winded and need to stop to catch my breath, even when i know i should be able to go longer. fuck. it's the cigarettes, i know it. even though i have cut WAY back, it's not enough. i need to quit. 


tomorrow is rest day, although i don't think i will get much rest. i have to wash all of the floors and hopefully get some more organizing done. should be fun. NOT


XD

Sunday, 25 March 2012

sexy back!! day 12 & 13

well, here we are. i am feeling much better, and things are much happier in the kitchen {and in the bedroom, but we'll get to that later hehe}.


the other day, when i said i was going to do the oxygen circuit, i didn't get to it. BF came home shortly after i posted, and we had a good talk. there was a bit of yelling, more than a little crying, and it was all in all very therapeutic for me {and educational for him}. in any case, all i'm going to say is that even though i didn't get to do my oxygen workout, i DID get a little.. umm... cardio ;)


yesterday i went for a run. i missed the gym, but since the roads are mostly clear of ice i decided to head out on the road. the only problem was that it was pretty windy. i didn't think it would be that bad, and since the wind was at my back for the first half of my run it really didn't seem like the wind would be an issue. BUT on my way back, there was a hill and the wind was blowing in my face. it was cold and it was really hard to catch my breath. i made it up the hill, but i really struggled. so much so, that i wasn't able to recover enough to do the last part of my running exercise, and had to go the rest of the way at just a brisk walk. pretty fucking discouraging. 


i could feel the bad mood starting to creep back, so rather than going straight home i stopped in to visit my aunts and mom. we had a good little visit, and they told me all about how they have taken to walking together every day to help my oldest aunt with her diabetes. then they stuffed me with homemade banana bread and tim hortons coffee and sent me on my way. WHAT?! i can't very well say NO to offered food, especially when ALL of my aunts are there! they would have sent me to the corner or some shit! anyway, i felt loads better when getting home. my mood improved tenfold when BF reassured me that even though i didn't finish what i had planned and written out in my "most holy of holy schedule" {his words. sarcastic fucker}, that i had run my first hill and that he was actually surprised that i made it up at all, let alone with the wind. that was nice. i think he's FINALLY starting to see how serious i am about this. i might let him keep his testicles attached rather than skewering them off with a rusty spork and mounting them on my wall as a warning for any other testicle-wielding individuals who  find themselves in my vicinity. 


today went pretty good too. i did the oxygen circuit again, but i bumped up the intensity a notch. instead of 2 circuits, i did 3 and the amount of reps and intensity increased. here it is:


run in place: 50 steps
body-weight bulgarian squat: 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks: 30 reps
standing hammer curl: 15 reps
step-ups: 12 reps
push-up: 15 reps {regular 1st circuit, incline 2nd, regular 3rd}
run in place: 50 steps
side plank: hold for 20-30 seconds each side
jumping jacks: 30 reps
raises: 15 reps {front raise 1st circuit, lateral 2nd, bent over 3rd}
step-ups: 12 reps
one-armed seated row: 15 reps each arm
run in place: 50 steps
walking lunge: 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks: 30 reps
bench dips: 15 reps
step-ups: 12 reps each leg


after all of that, i rested for 2 minutes and repeated it twice more for a total of 3 circuits {with the indicated changes to certain moves}.


i feel pretty awesome now. i'm glad i was able to get over this past week's depression and discouragement, and even though it was rough, i am proud of myself for getting my head out of my ass for long enough to stop with the fucking whining and just get shit done. another great thing about today? i took some pics of me to see how they compare to the pics i took back in january. i was hoping for a bit more of a difference by now, but i guess i'm just my own worst critic. and i DO need to live. AND i do believe that occasional indulgences in things like wine, doritos, and chocolate are necessary for life. NECESSARY. just shut up and look at my pics :)




tomorrow is insanity day!! i'm actually looking forward to it.. well, as much as a person can look forward to running and jumping around until reduced to a grunting, sweaty, swearing mess. wish me luck!!


XD

Friday, 23 March 2012

sexy back?? day 11 {kind of}

first of all, let me apologize to anyone out there reading these fitness blogs for being so damn negative over the past couple of weeks. this is supposed to be a fucking positive thing, and maybe sometimes funny, but it's been hard to stay positive at all.


secondly, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. so yeah. i will bitch today, and probably cry my eyes out.


i'm hurt. really badly. if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that BF has not been very supportive and that his behaviors are really doing a number on my motivation and drive... not to mention my ability to make it to the gym. i suppose i will start at the beginning. well the beginning of this latest program anyway. i want to run an 18k in roughly 6 months. given my competitive nature, i believe that committing to this sort of challenge will help me stay motivated to work out as scheduled. after hours upon hours of research, i devised a training program suited to my needs. this is what i'm trying to do now. it's a 3 days on, 1 day off deal. day 1: running exercise; day 2: oxygen circuit; day 3: insanity. pretty straightforward right? 


obviously, with all of the time and effort i put into research and all the times i've been pushed my body to its limits in these past couple of weeks, this is something that means a lot to me. not only for the fitness aspect and challenge either. the run is for a good cause: suicide prevention and awareness. this is a cause very close to my heart, as i have lost friends and my very first love to suicide, and i have also been suicidal in the past. it will mean a lot to me, more than can actually be expressed through written word, to be able to run in this event and honour the memory of my lost loved ones and to raise awareness of this issue.


when i first got it into my head to do this, i was so excited i could barely sleep. i could not wait until the next day to email my sister to ask her if she would like to train for it too. she was all in, and nearly as excited as i was. then the research. my mind was boggled with the wealth of information i found. how to run, how far, how fast, what to wear, WHAT TO PUT BETWEEN YOUR ASSCHEEKS TO PREVENT CHAFING, everything. i soaked it all in. "i got this bitch. i can do this!!" 


then i decided to share with BF my excitement and my workout schedule, in hopes that he would share my enthusiasm or at least offer some helpful tips, since he ran track and field in high school and is a veritable wealth of information for anything fitness related. i didn't exactly get the response i was hoping for. in between interrupting me to talk about HIS accomplishments with running and HIS workouts, all i got was a raised eyebrow and a skeptical look at my plans, and a dismissive, "oh that's nice babe. but today at the gym......"


ouch. ok, so maybe he has too much other things on his mind, i thought. maybe taking on 2 new guys to train at the gym is causing this distraction. i put it out of my mind and concentrated on my workouts. i did good, for the most part. at the time, i had a sitter who was pretty reliable. but things changed. 


now, my sitter always cancels. i've given up on even calling her. there is no one else that i can get to watch the kids for less than an hour so i could go down to use the treadmill 2-3 times a week. no one except for BF. 


all week, he has promised to be home before the gym closed so that i could go down and get my run in. he has never ever made good on his promise. he hasn't even apologized for messing up my schedule. when i try to talk to him about it, he dismisses me and makes excuses. something came up, i had to go here, do this, smoke weed in a shed all fucking day. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 


the other day, i was so discouraged by his inconsiderate ways and i was angry. so i did my insanity workout instead, and figured i could reverse the schedule this one time {insanity, circuit, run; rather than vice versa}. well, i was reminded of why i had decided to stick insanity on the last day. yesterday {which was supposed to be circuit day}, i was so tired and worn out from the previous day's insanity workout that i didn't do anything. well, i did take the kids for a long-ish walk, but nothing else but that. i had planned to work out in the evening, but by the time i got supper made and the baby to sleep, i just didn't have anything left. my hips and knees were really bothering me, and i just felt beaten. so i went to bed. but before bed, i had a talk with BF. while i didn't exactly get an apology out of him, he did promise that i would get to the gym today, FOR SURE. 


today. ugh. well, today the kids are home because it is parent teacher conference day. good, i thought, he HAS TO come home on time, because i need to be at the school by 1:30. the gym is right next door to the school too, so i could just head over after i was done at the school. it seemed like a perfect plan. except here it is, 3:30pm, and i haven't seen or heard from the asshole since. not a phone call, NOTHING. 


what really gets me is that if he wasn't going to make it home, he could have at least called and told me so that i could make other arrangements. it's bad enough that i missed my workout, but parent teacher day? OH FUCK NO. 
when i think about it though, i feel really stupid for thinking i could count on his ass to think of anyone but his fucking self. 


so here i am. it's too late for the gym, unless he comes home RIGHT THIS SECOND, and even then only if there are still people in there to open the door for me {they lock the doors at 3}. i have been bouncing from intense anger to hurt to heartbroken to depressed for the past couple of hours. i know i have to stop letting his shit get to me. i know that this is supposed to be about me. but it's fucking hard. and it's fucking unfair. i wouldn't do this to him, i wouldn't even think of it. if he had a goal he was working toward, i would support him every step of the way. but when it comes to MY goals, or anything i need to do for that matter, it's not even a priority. 


i do so much for this man, i love him, and i don't want much in return. a little appreciation, a little recognition for the things i do for him and our family. an hour 2-3 times a week to run. that's it.


nothing is changing. no matter if i'm nice about it and try to talk to him, no matter if i fight, yell, bitch, scream, or cry.. nothing gets through to him. he just doesn't give a single measly fuck about what i want to do. things have to change, and today is the day for it. i just can't fucking do this anymore. i can't be a fucking doormat, i can't be expected to hold up this fa├žade any longer. i don't deserve to be treated this way. if he can't see that, and if he can't at least try a little harder to not be such an inconsiderate assbag, then i will have to do this alone. all of it. the kids, the pets, life. without him. 


i don't know what is going to happen when he gets home. maybe he'll cry and beg me to change my mind. maybe he'll flip the fuck out and scream and yell. maybe he'll call me down to the lowest and tell me the only reason he hasn't left already i because he doesn't think i can handle doing this alone. i don't know. 


what do i know? i'm gonna fucking work out today. it might not be on the schedule, but i am going to get it done. i figure until i can get a decent sitter or something arranged, i will have to go back to just the insanity and oxygen circuit. i'll do the circuit later on, after supper. 


i'll be back after to tell about my workout, and bitch about whatever soreness and/or problems i run into. 

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

sexy back!! day 10

WELL.. i certainly gave my muscles time to "recover", didn't i? today {wednesday} is the first time i've worked out in 5 days. 5 stupid fucking days. ok, well i had planned on taking a hangover day {sunday}, and starting on monday, but that didn't happen. 


BF and i haven't been getting along the very best lately. it doesn't help that i feel like he doesn't care about what i want to achieve either. for fuck sakes, i started this whole fitness journey FOR him. it's all for me now, but wanting to be more desirable for him and to have something in common was a big part of the reason i picked up that oxygen magazine and started with the hip hop abs over a year ago. but it really seems that he could care less about what i do with myself. 


ok, ok. so i know this about ME, i'm doing it for ME, and MY health.. so i shouldn't care what he thinks {if he even thinks of me at all}.. but fuck, it hurts. i just want to matter to him. that's all. i want to be more than that chick that lives with him that cleans the house and feeds him and his children. blech. 


ANYWAY.. enough of that pathetic bullshit. what i was trying to get to is why i didn't get to do my run on monday {or tuesday, OR today} as planned. on monday, he had some errands to run. i was cool with that, i actually needed him to grab me a couple things too. all i asked was for him to try to make it back by 3, just in case the sitter cancelled again {which she has been doing A LOT!}. he said no problem, and even that he would call and let me know if he was going to be late, so i could get someone to hold the door open for me {the local free gym where i use the treadmill on running days closes at 3}. good, i thought, either way, i'm covered. i WILL get my run in. well.. the sitter cancelled. i wasn't worried though. i sat there like a stupid little twat, waiting for him to come through the door, or at least for the phone to ring. NOTHING. i was pissed off, but mostly hurt. i didn't even bother telling him off when he finally did make it home {without a single apology or explanation!}, i just went to sleep. yesterday, same thing. except yesterday, we had a huge fight first thing in the morning. i ended up sleeping on the couch just to get as far away from him as i could, and because i knew that if i banished him to the couch he'd just sneak back into bed once i was asleep {i sleep like the dead!}. shittiest sleep EVER. same thing today. no sitter, still not speaking to the cunt. but midway through the day, i kind of snapped out of my funk and got pissed. here i am, being a fucktard and letting this asshole ruin my workouts. i could have done weights those days, or insanity, instead of missing!! well, maybe not weights, since that's not how it is on my little schedule.. BUT, i could have done SOMETHING. 


so tonight, after supper was cleaned up and all of the homework was done, i slapped in my insanity dvd and GOT SHIT DONE. it felt good to channel my anger towards something useful, and i feel better for doing it. tomorrow it will be weights, and the day after that, a run AND weights {depending on how i feel}. if i can't run for whatever reason, i'll do insanity. i figure as long as i'm not doing high impact {running and insanity} on consecutive days, i'm ok. i also have to work on finding a more reliable sitter. 


so i'm glad i finally worked out. i am disappointed with myself for missing those days, but there is no point dwelling on that. i am hurt by the way BF has been acting, but that's his fucking problem. bottom line: this is MY health, MY goal of running the 18k in the fall, MY body, and i'll be damned if i'm going to let a little asshattery fuck that up on me. i'm not sure where our relationship is going from this point, except that a big ass TALK is going to be had, and soon. frankly, i don't give a fuck anymore. i'm just gonna keep doing my thing, getting this sexy back :)

Friday, 16 March 2012

sexy back!! day 9

slacking on the blogging again. sorry to the one person who might actually read these fitness blogs. lol


today is actually rest day, and what did i do? i mopped, and did laundry, and all that fun shit. i really had no choice though; with me being gone to work for 3 days this week, everything seemed to pile up. i feel like i spent those 3 days {which were also work out days!} in a state of constant pissed-offedness because BF DID NOT pick up the slack while i was gone. GRRRR!! at least until a coworker pointed out something interesting: if he HAD done all of the things i usually do here in a day, he probably would not have done them MY WAY, and i would have been peeved at that, especially when you take into account the fact that my uterus and ovaries are declaring mutiny once again. so it would have been a shitty week anyway? huh. well, he could have at least ATTEMPTED to make it look like he did anything besides sit at the computer..ugh. it's all in the past i guess.


yesterday, i did insanity's cardio power & resistance workouts. i've said it before: this is the toughest one for month 1, by far!! shawn t really kicked my ass yesterday, and i felt a slight decrease in my performance. shitty. that means i am definitely overtrained. but it kind of solves a problem for me, strangely enough. see, BF's birthday is on sunday and st. patrick's day is tomorrow. tomorrow is scheduled to be my day on the treadmill/death machine. BUT we were invited to a st. patrick's day party, and we were planning on celebrating BF's birthday that night too. where does the overtraining come in? well, since i will be having a few drinks on saturday night, i know i won't be working out on sunday. so... i am just going to take saturday AND sunday off. my muscles can recover from these past few weeks {i haven't taken more than a day off at a time in the past month}, i will to blow off some steam and have a little break from being so damn disciplined {for me, at least lol}, and my little ocd-ish tendencies will not be thrown into disarray by having a random hangover day thrown into the mix. so, back at it on monday right where i left off. 


happy st. patrick's day!!


XD

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

sexy back!! day 7 & 8

i bet y'all thought i was slacking again, huh? well, i have been slacking... on the blog, NOT on the workouts. rather than doing two  separate posts and spamming facebook with my damn links, i decided to do it this way. 


yesterday was my day for running. the roads aren't clear yet, and there is still a lot of snow and ice, so it was off to the death machine commonly known as a treadmill. BUT, yesterday was also the first day i had been called into work since i started this new program. all day, it was in the back of my head, worrying that i would be too tired and demotivated after sitting at a desk all day dealing with assholes who expect me to know everything, and their cunty remarks and bullshit to even think about running. i kept thinking about all those otherr times i started a program this year, only for it to be disrupted by stupid shit and work. but the more i thought about it, the more stupid that fear seemed. the only thing that actually ever stopped me from working out all those times {aside from the broken ankle} was myself. i would make excuses {i.e. "not enough hours in the day" blah blah fucking blah}, and i would get off track for a week, or even a month. fuck that shit. not to mention the fact that the office where i work is the same building that the free gym is in, and all i would have to do is bring some spare clothes and my sneakers. 


so off i went, as soon as work was over. my little brother came with me, just to check out the gym, but he didn't want to work out until BF had gone down {at that point BF was waiting for me to come home so he could work out}. i did my run, and we got a lift home with a friend. BF was royally PISSED at me for not telling him i was going to be late, but i didn't see why. whenever HE goes anywhere, he never tells me when he's coming back, and if he's late, i don't freak out at him. not to mention that it was 20 fucking minutes. big fucking deal. anyway, he was all cunty and left in a huff. but once he worked out, and talked to the boys that were down at the gym {apparently they were shocked at my 'intensity' and impressed with my running. wtf?}, he must have had a change of heart. so by the time he came home, he was being nice again, and maybe a little apologetic. at least as much as he is capable of, of course, i was {and still am} more than a little pissy about it. i'm not one to hold grudges, but this time i felt like he was wrong to be angry. i need to work out too, and he is not taking into consideration my goals at all. 


anyway, on to today. today was one of those days that, in the past, i would NEVER EVER have managed to get a workout in at all. hell, i wouldn't have  even considered it as a possibility. i not only went to work, but i also managed to get paid early {tomorrow is when i was supposed to get paid} and of course, i had to go grocery shopping. add onto that some visiting in-laws with a new baby in tow, and it's pretty much a miracle or a divine intervention of sorts. by the time i got home from shopping it was 7pm, and i hadn't eaten since mid-morning. it was not a pretty sight. as soon as all of the groceries were packed away, i had something to eat and some coffee. about 35 minutes later, i banished BF to the bedroom with strict orders to remain in there AT ALL COSTS {i don't like working out in front of him unless he's teaching me something. i'm just weird like that}, and got shit done. today i did the ab workout from oxygen, and also the oxygen circuit. it went pretty great, and i got a good sweat on. the only thing that kind of bugged me was that i think i need a little heavier of a weight. Bf is going to figure something out for me by next tuesday {next time doing the circuit}, since all the other weights here are too heavy for me. 


right now, i feel pretty damn good. well other than the residual pissy-ness i feel towards BF for the aforementioned incidence of asshattery, but i've gotta let that go. i want him to take me seriously, i want him to be proud of me and to see that i am really accomplishing a lot with this {well, a lot more than i ever thought i could}... but the bottom line is, I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM, and i'd do well to remember that. i'm doing this for ME. i want to be proud of myself. i shouldn't need validation, approval, or anything from him or anyone else. i just have to keep my head up, keep powering through, and digging deeper. i got this. i can do this shit. no fucking problem.


XD



Sunday, 11 March 2012

sexy back!! day 6

fuckin' right, you are
i guess it would be an understatement that today got off to a bad start. BF and i got into a bit of a fight last night, but because of overtraining and/or pms, i was too tired to argue and my guard was down. all i could do was cry. so he left, and came back some time while i was asleep. i guess it was probably the best thing he could have done, now that i think about it. if he would have pushed me any farther, i think i would have thrown something at his head despite my exhaustion. strangely, he was uncharacteristically sweet this morning. this is NOT him. he's usually a cranky assbag in the morning, and even more so if we've been arguing. ehh, i don't know how the fuck his stupid man brain works and frankly, i don't give a fuck.


asshat of epic proportions
anyway, this morning was a rough one. i felt ok physically, but i was sad and my feelings were hurt. my eyes were constantly leaking tears, as much as i tried to put on a happy face for the sake of the kids. i basically had a bad case of the "fuckits". i wasn't going to work out at all, and just say i was overtrained. but, despite the asshattery i was exposed to last night, once he was gone, i had slept like a baby and woke up well-rested. no knee pain, not much soreness from yesterday's extra ab work. i moped around for a bit, and was going to just go back to bed. THEN i realized what i was doing, and i got fucking PISSED. who the fuck is HE to put me in a goddamned funk with his dumb ass fucking bullshit? why the fuck should i let him win, by locking my ass in the bedroom and being a big, fat, whiny fucking depresso cuntbag? what the fuck would that prove? really, i'd only be fucking myself over. i doubted he'd lose any sleep over upsetting me so much that i said "fuck it" and skipped a day, so why would i fucking punish myself for HIS case of fucktarditis? 


yeah, i was fucking LIVID. i got so mad, that i had to just crank the tunes and scrub the fuck right out of the kitchen. when that was all done, i slapped my insanity disc into the dvd player and GOT SHIT DONE. today was plyometric cardio circuit {one of my faves}, and i really pushed through and dug deeper than ever. by the end of the so-called warm-up {pfft warm up-more like a fucking ass whooping!}, my head was clear, and i wasn't carrying anymore toxic thoughts. i kept going and really pushed myself to my absolute limits, with nothing in my mind but the way my muscles were burning in protest. i didn't mind the burn and i didn't slow down or take a break like i usually do; i savoured that fucking burn, every second of it, until the sweat was pouring and my whole body was trembling. then the workout was over and it was time for the cool down. this is usually the part of the workout that i look forward to, even yearn for, but i was oddly disappointed. adrenaline maybe? premenstrual psychotic bitch power? then i noticed baby playing with some empty protein jugs {i clean them out and give them to her to stack. strangely, they are a bigger hit than all of her blocks and shit}, and realized with a jolt that i HAD NOT TAKEN ANY PRE-WORKOUT SUPPS!! so i bolted to the kitchen to mix my protein drink and take my assortment of pills. at the back of my mind, i was thinking, "how the fuck did i manage all THAT without my usual pre-workout cocktail?" and hoping that i wouldn't feel like dog shit that had been stepped on and run over twice once the post-workout high had worn off.


as of now, it's been about 4 hours since my workout, and i feel ok. i'm definitely sore and i think it will be worse tomorrow, but i can live with that. i had a half hour nap, during which BF brought me a sandwich and coffee in bed, and i feel loads better than i did this morning. i'm still sour at that fucker though. i'm not too keen on being spoken to the way he spoke to me last night, and even though he has been kissing my ass so much today that he's practically shoulders deep, i don't feel any overwhelming need to make up. that being said, i might just hate fuck him tonight, for purely selfish purposes. no need for me to suffer due to his fucktarditis; and quite frankly, nothing seems to clear up muscle soreness like a good old fashioned orgasm. lol


tomorrow is rest and recovery day. also, the kids FINALLY go back to school after march break. PRAISE THE LAWWDDD!!! i plan on getting #3 up nice and early, so that she will nap nice and early and i can catch a few zzz's too before the boys get off the bus. maybe after school, we'll take the dogs for a walk or something. in any case, i'm looking forward to it.


XD

if you listened

there's a lot of things you would know, if you listened. if you actually heard the fucking answers i give to your questions and let me finish, rather than pushing forward and jumping to conclusions. i can't make you listen, i can't make you read this, i can only do this for myself to get all of this bullshit off my chest. 


"what's wrong?"
i'm fucking tired, sore, and premenstrual. you know that i have been pushing myself to my absolute limits to achieve my fitness goals, and i thought for sure that you, of all people, would cut me some slack for being tired and cranky. i do it for you all the time. i make your meals so you can keep building muscle, i pack you lunches for the gym, i pack your supplements organized in baggies for you, and i let you sleep when you need to. i do this because i CARE about you and your goals. i want to see you achieve everything you hope for. all i ask in return is a little understanding, a little help, ANYTHING when i am feeling under the weather.


"why are you so damn distant? is there something i should be worrying about?"
i'm home every day, all day.. except for on the rare occasions that i get called in to work. i spend nearly every waking hour in this house, with these kids. when you wake up in the morning, 9 times out of 10 you are mean, bitchy, and constantly criticizing everything, from the way things are organized to the amount of laundry done. most mornings, i manage to ignore this, and not come back with smart ass remarks. but it still hurts. i feel like i'm trying so fucking hard to be the best i can be. i never go out to the bars anymore. i work out. i stay home. i've been trying so hard to do everything to make this work, but the only thing you ever notice is when something is not right. when i'm emotional and can't hold back my tears and hurt, you ask what the fuck is wrong with me and tell me that i'm losing it. when i get depressed and spend the day in bed, you don't ask me if i'm ok. you just kick me when i'm down by complaining that nothing is done and making cruel remarks. but then, you're a different person when you get back from the gym. happy, smiling, sweet, kind. most days, i accept this other you with open arms and try to forget the pain you inflict. but the hurt is still there, and sometimes i can't just ignore it. this is why i'm distant. and yes, there is something you should worry about. it's not an affair. it's not secrets. you should be worried about the damage you are doing to my head and my heart. you should be worried about how your behavior and the words you fling so carelessly are pushing me farther and farther away. you should be worried about us.


"do you do anything besides go on the computer? is that your new life? did you write that BOOK yet?!" {sarcasm in italics}
i do lots off of the computer. how else do i have 3 kids fed, dressed, and clean? how else does is this house not utterly overwhelmed by dirt and clutter? if i do nothing but sit at the computer, how are the 3 dogs and 2 cats always fed on time? i do spend time on the computer, but it's the only outlet that i have. i have no friends IRL to spend time with that you don't have anything nasty to say about. i avoid them to avoid your cruel remarks. and i love to write. it keeps me calm, and it makes me happy. when the kids need me, or things need to be done around the house, i have no problem shutting it down and getting shit done. when you come home for the day, i turn it off because i want to spend time with you. so no, obviously it is not my life. you and the kids are. i would think that should be apparent, considering all that i do for you, and all that i've sacrificed over the years. 
and no. i haven't written "that book" yet. it was an idea that i had toyed with, and nothing has come of it so far. but it is something i'd like to do some day, and your cruel, sarcastic remarks are far from supportive. if i ever asked you if you've won any bodybuilding competitions yet in that same tone, you would shit bricks and go on for days over how insensitive and cold i am. but i would never say something like that to you. i will always try my best to treat you how i want to be treated. 


i could go on almost forever, writing the things you would know if you just listened. if you just opened your mind and accepted what i have to say as what i really feel, instead of brushing it off in your hurry to come up with a come back, you might understand. if you listened, you'd know this isn't supposed to be a battle, this is supposed to be a partnership. if you listened, i'd tell you more and i wouldn't be so distant. if you listened, you'd hear my heart breaking.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

sexy back!! day 5

ugh. today? yeah, it's one of those days. i did good, i worked out, i even added on 15 minutes of ab work to the oxygen circuit.. but i still feel BLAH. not just now, but ALL DAY. when i tell BF i know exactly what he's going to say: "you're overtraining."


on the bright side, i woke up this morning free of any knee pain. when i talked to BF about it last night and described where it was and whatnot, he wasn't too concerned anyway. BUT, because of the "overtraining" mentioned above, he said that i should either take tomorrow off completely, or at least do something easier than insanity. hummpphhh. ok, i know i DID ask him to help me with this, and to give me advice and motivation {which he is great at!}, but every time he tells me, "you've gotta take it easy," or "take a day off, it won't kill you!!", all it does is make me want to work out more. but overtraining syndrome is a real, honest to god, actual THING... so i have to consider this very carefully. the symptoms are as follows:

  • persistent muscle soreness
  • elevated resting heart rate
  • increased susceptibility to infection
  • increased incidence of injuries
  • irritability
  • depression
  • loss of motivation
  • insomnia
  • decreased appetite
  • weight loss
notice i highlighted in red the ones that i have so far. but my question is, how much of these symptoms can be chalked up to me being premenstrual and hormonal? pretty much all of it, except for the elevated heart rate. i'm not very sore at all {but maybe i will be later, with the addition i made to the circuit}, and i have absolutely no trouble sleeping. at this point, i'm not sure how to proceed. if i still feel like this tomorrow, i think i will just do the circuit again, rather than insanity. if i feel better, full steam ahead with that sexy bit of man meat also known as shawn t!! BUT, if i feel worse, i am not doing FUCK ALL. i think maybe this overtrained feeling might even have something to do with my lack of rest and recovery on my day off. i never did get to relax at all that day, and i don't think i sat down for more than 2 minutes at a time for the whole day. oh well. next time it's time for rest and recovery, i'm locking the doors and closing the curtains and getting my goddamned rest and recovery!! or at least as much of it as #3 will allow.

anywho, enough of my bitching. today as a warmup, i did a 15 minute ab workout i found in last september's issue of oxygen. even though it was only 2 sets of 5 different moves, it was fucking nuts. yep, i am going to feel that shit tomorrow, and probably even tonight!! i wanted to post pics and descriptions like i did for the oxygen circuit, but i can't for the life of me find pics for all of these moves online, and i'm not too keen on typing out the instructions. what i will tell you, is that it was some intense shit.. at least for me, with my poor weakened, and stretched out by pregnancy abdominal muscles.

anywho, after a minute break or so, i jumped right into the oxygen circuit. strangely, it seemed more difficult today. overtrained? maybe. not adjusted to the new ab addition? i hope it's just that. i was able to finish it without any trouble, but i just wasn't feeling the "pump". i'm glad i got it over with, but that's not the feeling i want to have: that a work out is something to just "get over with."
oh well. bitching doesn't help. 

i feel like i really need some rest, so i'm waiting for the little one to take her nap {pray for me!!} so i can hop into the shower and have a little snooze myself. the boys are content with their games, and i suppose an hour of games on march break will NOT kill them, especially if it enables me to be a more happy, rested, and mostly sane mom.

tomorrow? well, it just depends how i feel. while i don't want to miss a workout AT ALL, i want an injury even less. before i go, could someone out there please pray that this child will take her nap? please? i don't care who or what you pray to, every little bit of help counts! mommy needs naptime!! 



Friday, 9 March 2012

sexy back day 4


so i had my so-called "rest & recovery" day yesterday, except instead of resting and recovering i ended up mopping all of the floors AGAIN and entertaining my little bro, his gf, and their 1 year old son. #3 refuse to nap, so no nap for me. she stayed up until 9pm, even though she had been up since 6:30am. holy sweet shuffling jesus, i have NEVER seen such a miserable baby!! she cried, screamed, and hurled her poor exhausted self on the floor over EVERYTHING. i was just about at my wit's end when BF finally came home. and of course, after all of my attempts at calming her down had failed miserably, all he had to do was scoop her up and lay her down. BAM!! she just went to sleep. i was relieved and annoyed. lol


anywho, today i did my running exercise again {2 minutes of running, followed by 3 minutes of walking, repeated 4 times}. i felt stronger this time, and rather than dragging my ass up the hill to get home, i had a bit of bounce in my step. could this be similar to this "runner's high" i keep hearing about? i also remembered to do a bit of preparation before my run to prevent the blisters that i got on my toes last time. i didn't get any new ones, but i think it's time for a new pair of running shoes!! 


thankfully, #3 did decide to  nap today, so after stretching and cleaning up my sweaty self, i am now lounging in bed with my coffee until supper time. 


the only thing i didn't like about today is that now, since i've been relaxing, i can feel twinges of mild pain on the inside of my right knee. i always seem to have problems with this leg: first the broken ankle last year, loads of foot pain back when i was doing insanity every day, and now this. i'm going to google this shit and get some advice {and TLC!!} from BF, in the hopes that i find a way to fix it or at least keep it from getting worse without having to take a break from the running.


thankfully, tomorrow i will be doing the oxygen circuit, and i'm hoping that since it is relatively low intensity, it will give my knee a little rest. if i still have pain, i think i will have to take a day off to heal before i do insanity. i hope it doesn't come to that!! 


i'm having a hard time with the counting cigarettes. i keep forgetting to record when i smoke, so i think i need a different method. on the bright side, i think my love of these damn cancer sticks has waned more than a little bit today, when i felt that i could run farther and faster because my muscles could take it, but i was getting too winded to try. BF assured me {he quit in january!} that it will be easier to give them up the stronger i get, because i will want to get better. i hope so! in any case, i'm  almost out of smokes anyway {i think i have 2 packs left?}, and i don't get paid until next thursday. so maybe i can manage the cold turkey thing? pray for me, and for those in my household!! 

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

sexy back!! day 3


awesome awesome AWESOME!!! i feel pretty damn awesome today! and i did pretty good :)


i got to sleep in until 9 {not that late, i know.. but it's a godsend if you're a mother of 3!}, and i actually got my workout in pretty early. well... 10:30 is early for ME anyway, since my usual habit is to dick around in the kitchen, drinking coffee, and checking facebook for an hour or so. but today, i wanted to work out right away. i'm glad i did. in days past, i would work out mid- to late afternoon, have a little burst of energy after supper, and then be totally exhausted by 7, dragging ass all over the place. today has been non-stop energy!! 


today i did the insanity fit test. i feel pretty good about my numbers. here they are {my last fit test result is red, in brackets}:


SWITCH KICKS - 112 {73}
POWER JACKS - 37 {38}
POWER KNEES - 100 {90}
POWER JUMPS - 27 {25}
GLOBE JUMPS - 9 rotations {7}
              36 jumps total {28}
SUIDIDE JUMPS - 10 {16}**
PUSH UP JACKS - 15 {15}**
LOW PLANK OBLIQUE - 27 {30}**


**in the last fit test, i did these exercises on an incline on BF's advice. he didn't want me hurting an old injury, which i had done in the past. this time though, i felt strong enough to get right down on the floor for these ones. without the incline, these moves are far more challenging, so i couldn't do as many in the allotted time. but the numbers didn't go down TOO drastically {as i had thought they would}, and i'm happy with it.


overall, i think i did pretty good. some things WOW-ed me completely. like 112 switch kicks? AYFKM?? those are my most HATED of the whole work out, and have inspired COUNTLESS strings of grunted profanity at mr. shawn t. himself. so i guess i'm doing something right!! 


i think i did pretty good with the eating too. YES, by the fuck, i did go a little coffee crazy.. BUT I KNOW OF NO OTHER WAY TO SURVIVE!!! anywho... i made a big pot of barley and lentil soup this evening, AND some whole wheat flax/wheat germ cookie things. the soup is awesome fuel. i know this because the last time i made it, BF ate it ALL WEEK. he packed on muscle and got visibly leaner, IN A WEEK. unfortunately, it's not as easy for me to shred up like that {or mostly anyone else!! BF is a beast!! raawwrrr!!!!}; BUT i can still try!!


tomorrow is rest day. i'm looking forward to it. i'm going to take a nice long, hot bath; do some light stretching, and laze around for the first part of my day. 


XD

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

sexy back!! day 2


holy sweet mother of god, was i ever tired and sore this morning!! who knew that what i saw at the time as an just easy little workout on the treadmill would have this effect! i'm just glad it's march break, and good ole BF let me sleep in until 10!! thank god for the little things!


i did ok with the diet today. not great, but ok. i say that because i went a little coffee crazy, and i probably didn't get enough protein. and of course, i'm beating myself up just a tad {and by tad, i mean SHITLOAD} for eating half a big bag of doritos last night. in bed. alone. pathetic, eh? AND i didn't even have any sex to attempt to burn it off. oh well. can't change the past, and all that shit. 


anyway, i was seriously dragging ass today. i even considered just mopping all of the floors {which needs to be done anyway, and TODAY!}, and counting that as my workout. but no. nope. fuck off self, with your lazy ass bullshit. mopping floors {even if i do ALL of them at top speed} just won't cut it! so, on i went with day 2 of this shit. like i mentioned in yesterday's post, i'm doing the oxygen circuit on day 2. it went well and i got a good sweat on. i like this workout, because even though it's lower intensity than what i'm used with insanity, i feel it working. also, i do it in the kitchen. all i need is my dumbells and i'm set. i don't have to worry about baby, because she is always in sight, and she stays out of my way. anyway, even though i did post it before, i'm going to re-post the oxygen circuit {and i have some pics too, in case anyone would like to try it}. another plus? it only takes me about 30 minutes! here it is:


run in place, 30 steps
body weight bulgarian squat, 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks, 20 reps
standing hammer curl, 15 reps
step-ups, 8 reps each leg {i used my front stairs}
push ups, 15 reps {incline 2nd circuit}
run in place, 30 steps
side plank, 20-30 seconds each side
jumping jacks, 20 reps
front raise, 15 reps {lateral 2nd circuit}
step-ups, 8 reps each leg
one arm seated row, 15 reps each arm
run in place, 30 steps
walking lunge, 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks, 20 reps
bench dips, 15 reps
step-ups, 8 reps each leg
**REST 2 MINUTES AND REPEAT, WITH INDICATED CHANGES**


and now, the pics:
bulgarian squat {i didn't use dumbells}

standing hammer curl
step ups

side plank {don't forget to breathe!!!}


front raise {1st circuit}
lateral raise
seated row {this is the best i could find. i did one armed rows, so one arm at a time, and i used dumbells}

walking lunge {i didn't use weights}
bench dips {i fucking DESPISE these!!}




that's about it. i didn't get to mopping yet, but i'll probably do that after supper. i have to do a SHITLOAD of laundry too, which means i'll be going up and down the damn stairs at least another 28 times before tonight. oh well. all part of the whole mommy deal, right? can't really have the little ones running around bare assed. 


i'm looking forward to tomorrow. i'm doing day 1 of insanity again, which is the fit test. i'm curious to see if i've made any improvement since last time {january 25}. and after that? a sweet, blessed, fucking downright BLISSFUL day off, to rest and recover. and by rest and recover, i mean do the same kitchen bitch stuff i do every damn day, but with no workout. 


XD