Friday, 23 March 2012

sexy back?? day 11 {kind of}

first of all, let me apologize to anyone out there reading these fitness blogs for being so damn negative over the past couple of weeks. this is supposed to be a fucking positive thing, and maybe sometimes funny, but it's been hard to stay positive at all.


secondly, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. so yeah. i will bitch today, and probably cry my eyes out.


i'm hurt. really badly. if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that BF has not been very supportive and that his behaviors are really doing a number on my motivation and drive... not to mention my ability to make it to the gym. i suppose i will start at the beginning. well the beginning of this latest program anyway. i want to run an 18k in roughly 6 months. given my competitive nature, i believe that committing to this sort of challenge will help me stay motivated to work out as scheduled. after hours upon hours of research, i devised a training program suited to my needs. this is what i'm trying to do now. it's a 3 days on, 1 day off deal. day 1: running exercise; day 2: oxygen circuit; day 3: insanity. pretty straightforward right? 


obviously, with all of the time and effort i put into research and all the times i've been pushed my body to its limits in these past couple of weeks, this is something that means a lot to me. not only for the fitness aspect and challenge either. the run is for a good cause: suicide prevention and awareness. this is a cause very close to my heart, as i have lost friends and my very first love to suicide, and i have also been suicidal in the past. it will mean a lot to me, more than can actually be expressed through written word, to be able to run in this event and honour the memory of my lost loved ones and to raise awareness of this issue.


when i first got it into my head to do this, i was so excited i could barely sleep. i could not wait until the next day to email my sister to ask her if she would like to train for it too. she was all in, and nearly as excited as i was. then the research. my mind was boggled with the wealth of information i found. how to run, how far, how fast, what to wear, WHAT TO PUT BETWEEN YOUR ASSCHEEKS TO PREVENT CHAFING, everything. i soaked it all in. "i got this bitch. i can do this!!" 


then i decided to share with BF my excitement and my workout schedule, in hopes that he would share my enthusiasm or at least offer some helpful tips, since he ran track and field in high school and is a veritable wealth of information for anything fitness related. i didn't exactly get the response i was hoping for. in between interrupting me to talk about HIS accomplishments with running and HIS workouts, all i got was a raised eyebrow and a skeptical look at my plans, and a dismissive, "oh that's nice babe. but today at the gym......"


ouch. ok, so maybe he has too much other things on his mind, i thought. maybe taking on 2 new guys to train at the gym is causing this distraction. i put it out of my mind and concentrated on my workouts. i did good, for the most part. at the time, i had a sitter who was pretty reliable. but things changed. 


now, my sitter always cancels. i've given up on even calling her. there is no one else that i can get to watch the kids for less than an hour so i could go down to use the treadmill 2-3 times a week. no one except for BF. 


all week, he has promised to be home before the gym closed so that i could go down and get my run in. he has never ever made good on his promise. he hasn't even apologized for messing up my schedule. when i try to talk to him about it, he dismisses me and makes excuses. something came up, i had to go here, do this, smoke weed in a shed all fucking day. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 


the other day, i was so discouraged by his inconsiderate ways and i was angry. so i did my insanity workout instead, and figured i could reverse the schedule this one time {insanity, circuit, run; rather than vice versa}. well, i was reminded of why i had decided to stick insanity on the last day. yesterday {which was supposed to be circuit day}, i was so tired and worn out from the previous day's insanity workout that i didn't do anything. well, i did take the kids for a long-ish walk, but nothing else but that. i had planned to work out in the evening, but by the time i got supper made and the baby to sleep, i just didn't have anything left. my hips and knees were really bothering me, and i just felt beaten. so i went to bed. but before bed, i had a talk with BF. while i didn't exactly get an apology out of him, he did promise that i would get to the gym today, FOR SURE. 


today. ugh. well, today the kids are home because it is parent teacher conference day. good, i thought, he HAS TO come home on time, because i need to be at the school by 1:30. the gym is right next door to the school too, so i could just head over after i was done at the school. it seemed like a perfect plan. except here it is, 3:30pm, and i haven't seen or heard from the asshole since. not a phone call, NOTHING. 


what really gets me is that if he wasn't going to make it home, he could have at least called and told me so that i could make other arrangements. it's bad enough that i missed my workout, but parent teacher day? OH FUCK NO. 
when i think about it though, i feel really stupid for thinking i could count on his ass to think of anyone but his fucking self. 


so here i am. it's too late for the gym, unless he comes home RIGHT THIS SECOND, and even then only if there are still people in there to open the door for me {they lock the doors at 3}. i have been bouncing from intense anger to hurt to heartbroken to depressed for the past couple of hours. i know i have to stop letting his shit get to me. i know that this is supposed to be about me. but it's fucking hard. and it's fucking unfair. i wouldn't do this to him, i wouldn't even think of it. if he had a goal he was working toward, i would support him every step of the way. but when it comes to MY goals, or anything i need to do for that matter, it's not even a priority. 


i do so much for this man, i love him, and i don't want much in return. a little appreciation, a little recognition for the things i do for him and our family. an hour 2-3 times a week to run. that's it.


nothing is changing. no matter if i'm nice about it and try to talk to him, no matter if i fight, yell, bitch, scream, or cry.. nothing gets through to him. he just doesn't give a single measly fuck about what i want to do. things have to change, and today is the day for it. i just can't fucking do this anymore. i can't be a fucking doormat, i can't be expected to hold up this fa├žade any longer. i don't deserve to be treated this way. if he can't see that, and if he can't at least try a little harder to not be such an inconsiderate assbag, then i will have to do this alone. all of it. the kids, the pets, life. without him. 


i don't know what is going to happen when he gets home. maybe he'll cry and beg me to change my mind. maybe he'll flip the fuck out and scream and yell. maybe he'll call me down to the lowest and tell me the only reason he hasn't left already i because he doesn't think i can handle doing this alone. i don't know. 


what do i know? i'm gonna fucking work out today. it might not be on the schedule, but i am going to get it done. i figure until i can get a decent sitter or something arranged, i will have to go back to just the insanity and oxygen circuit. i'll do the circuit later on, after supper. 


i'll be back after to tell about my workout, and bitch about whatever soreness and/or problems i run into. 

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