Sunday, 11 March 2012

if you listened

there's a lot of things you would know, if you listened. if you actually heard the fucking answers i give to your questions and let me finish, rather than pushing forward and jumping to conclusions. i can't make you listen, i can't make you read this, i can only do this for myself to get all of this bullshit off my chest. 

"what's wrong?"
i'm fucking tired, sore, and premenstrual. you know that i have been pushing myself to my absolute limits to achieve my fitness goals, and i thought for sure that you, of all people, would cut me some slack for being tired and cranky. i do it for you all the time. i make your meals so you can keep building muscle, i pack you lunches for the gym, i pack your supplements organized in baggies for you, and i let you sleep when you need to. i do this because i CARE about you and your goals. i want to see you achieve everything you hope for. all i ask in return is a little understanding, a little help, ANYTHING when i am feeling under the weather.

"why are you so damn distant? is there something i should be worrying about?"
i'm home every day, all day.. except for on the rare occasions that i get called in to work. i spend nearly every waking hour in this house, with these kids. when you wake up in the morning, 9 times out of 10 you are mean, bitchy, and constantly criticizing everything, from the way things are organized to the amount of laundry done. most mornings, i manage to ignore this, and not come back with smart ass remarks. but it still hurts. i feel like i'm trying so fucking hard to be the best i can be. i never go out to the bars anymore. i work out. i stay home. i've been trying so hard to do everything to make this work, but the only thing you ever notice is when something is not right. when i'm emotional and can't hold back my tears and hurt, you ask what the fuck is wrong with me and tell me that i'm losing it. when i get depressed and spend the day in bed, you don't ask me if i'm ok. you just kick me when i'm down by complaining that nothing is done and making cruel remarks. but then, you're a different person when you get back from the gym. happy, smiling, sweet, kind. most days, i accept this other you with open arms and try to forget the pain you inflict. but the hurt is still there, and sometimes i can't just ignore it. this is why i'm distant. and yes, there is something you should worry about. it's not an affair. it's not secrets. you should be worried about the damage you are doing to my head and my heart. you should be worried about how your behavior and the words you fling so carelessly are pushing me farther and farther away. you should be worried about us.

"do you do anything besides go on the computer? is that your new life? did you write that BOOK yet?!" {sarcasm in italics}
i do lots off of the computer. how else do i have 3 kids fed, dressed, and clean? how else does is this house not utterly overwhelmed by dirt and clutter? if i do nothing but sit at the computer, how are the 3 dogs and 2 cats always fed on time? i do spend time on the computer, but it's the only outlet that i have. i have no friends IRL to spend time with that you don't have anything nasty to say about. i avoid them to avoid your cruel remarks. and i love to write. it keeps me calm, and it makes me happy. when the kids need me, or things need to be done around the house, i have no problem shutting it down and getting shit done. when you come home for the day, i turn it off because i want to spend time with you. so no, obviously it is not my life. you and the kids are. i would think that should be apparent, considering all that i do for you, and all that i've sacrificed over the years. 
and no. i haven't written "that book" yet. it was an idea that i had toyed with, and nothing has come of it so far. but it is something i'd like to do some day, and your cruel, sarcastic remarks are far from supportive. if i ever asked you if you've won any bodybuilding competitions yet in that same tone, you would shit bricks and go on for days over how insensitive and cold i am. but i would never say something like that to you. i will always try my best to treat you how i want to be treated. 

i could go on almost forever, writing the things you would know if you just listened. if you just opened your mind and accepted what i have to say as what i really feel, instead of brushing it off in your hurry to come up with a come back, you might understand. if you listened, you'd know this isn't supposed to be a battle, this is supposed to be a partnership. if you listened, i'd tell you more and i wouldn't be so distant. if you listened, you'd hear my heart breaking.

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