stupid legs.

no workouts for the past 2 weeks. i almost wish i could blame it on laziness. but i can't.
2 weeks ago today, i went for my usual monday run, only this time i was supposed to increase my time from 3 minutes of running at a time to 5. i was nervous, and didn't know if i could do it. i got 'er done, and was ec-fucking-static. 

sadly, later on that night, and even worse the next day, my shins were killing me. after talking with the house-penis and doing some online research, i figured i had shinsplints. and the worst case scenario was that i could be unable to run for weeks, or even MONTHS. fuck that.

so first, i tried to figure out what i had done wrong. the first thing that came to mind was that i had upped my intensity too quickly, for both my running AND weight lifting. add that to my worn running shoes and the fact that i was mostly running on pavement, you could say i was setting myself up for injury without realizing it.

the rest of that week, i spent strengthening and stretching my calves and icing my shins about 3 times a day. after 3 days, i had no pain or tenderness at all. i didn't want to start right again yet though, in case my shins needed more time to heal. at the beginning of  my second week off, i bought some new shoes, and just had to try them. i only made it through half a running workout, only running for 2 minutes at a time, before feeling tenderness in my shins AGAIN. fuck.

fast forward through another week of rest, ice, and stretching... i went for a run this morning, and it went well. even though i am only running for 2 minutes at a time (which is 3 weeks of progress behind where i left off), i try to keep reminding myself that i DO NOT want another goddamned injury. so i took it easy, ran slow, and made sure to stretch afterward. tomorrow it's weights, and i will have to remember to chill the fuck out on my legs.

even though 2 whole weeks of doing fuck all made me feel like a big tub of lard all over again, i realized that was mostly in my head this morning after stepping on the scale. i am down 3lbs!! so that's cool.

i'm not quite shitting rainbows and gumdrops anymore, but i'll get there again eventually :)

getting fit and shit

BOO!!! lol

bet you thought i was gone, huh? that i had given up on the dream of being healthy and squeezing my ass into those sexy jeans from 2008 that are probably not even fashionable anymore?

i have three words for you: FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

these past 4 months have been far from perfect, but i have learned a lot. granted, the first half of that was spent drinking beer and eating naughty things and just plain being a lazy old fuck. BUT, after spending about 6 weeks saying, "i'll start again on monday," this bitch finally found the motivation to say, "FUCK MONDAY."

i came to realize that that is the oldest excuse ever. you know what? monday NEVER comes. so don't fall into that trap. your metabolism doesn't take the weekend off, so why should you wait until monday to kickstart that motherfucker?

so what have i been doing? well... a whole lot of SFA (sweet fuck all), between my last post in may and the end of august. and you know what? i felt like shit. not just your regular run of the mill shit either. i felt like shit that has been ejected steaming and hopeful onto the ground, only to be left baking in the summer sun, stepped on and run over twice. yep, it was bad.

thinking back, it's hard to pinpoint the day that i committed to change, or what might have triggered the desire to find my way back to a healthier lifestyle. but basically, one day i went and bought a pretty little notebook. that afternoon, i flipped through some of my running books and old oxygen magazines to help me figure out a manageable training program. then, i created a training schedule for 6 weeks in my little dollar store notebook, complete with workouts, dates, and spaces for my thoughts on that particular day.

so where am i now? i'll fucking tell you. 

i am not the size 8 it would take to fit into those jeans... BUT i am damn close.
i haven't lost any weight. in fact, i seem to have gained 2lbs in the 3 weeks or so since i started. but that's cool. the way my clothes fit tell me more than that hatin' ass motherfucker of a scale. 

after 3 weeks in of not missing a single workout, eating mostly clean (i still enjoy a bottle of wine in the tub with the one and only stephen king from time to time), and pushing myself to the point of yelling and swearing at inanimate objects (i.e. weights), i have discovered that  I LIKE THIS SHIT.
i like feeling strong. i like the way some muscles that had disappeared under a layer of 'fluff' because of my laziness and bad habits have started to pop again. i like that i can now curl this certain dumbbell, that would never let me lift it more than 8 times, for 15 reps... in perfect form. i like that i can do REAL push ups again. and you know what else? i fucking LOVE running.

sure, i am only at the point where i can run a little more than 3 minutes at a time... but i can honestly say that the thing known as the 'runner's high' is an ACTUAL FUCKING THING. see, all this time, i figured it was just a myth, some bullshit these skinny motherfuckers who sip green tea and eat bean sprouts had created to make the 'fluffier' portion of the population feel inadequate. it's not. why else would a lazy motherfucker like me even bother to get out of bed at 6am, only to head out into the cold and dark with sore legs that feel like they're weighed down with lead and fucking RUN, even before coffee? 
believe me, it's not because it's fun. in fact, it hurts at first. especially when your legs are sore from the previous day's workout and you can barely manage to lower your ass to the toilet without spewing profanities. but once that blood starts pumping, once you warm up, it is totally fucking worth it. the sun starts to come up, the day gets brighter, and BAM!! instant morning person. shitting rainbows and smiling at everyone, even BEFORE COFFEE.

so that's pretty much where i am now. i do weights 3 times a week, and i run 4 times a week. the only day i do nothing is on sunday, and even then i usually end up going on a germ genocide mission in the house. and let me tell you, with 3 kids that is no small task. dirty little creatures..

my energy and motivation are at an all time high, and sometimes when i fart, i look back real quick to see if there's any unicorns or fairies fluttering out of my rectum. yep. i have become that sickeningly positive and energetic kind of fucker that i used to hate. and it's not so bad.

(insert hearts and smileys and shit here)

wish me luck!

sexy back: week 3 (after a 2 week break lol)

yep. i took 2 weeks off AGAIN. only half of that for a valid reason too. fuck sakes.
first, i was hit with a good, solid week of diarrhea. good times. after that was over, i really don't have any excuse for slacking other than possibly pms. more likely, i just had another case of the fuck-its. either way, it's over and done with. i gained a couple pounds back, which blows... but on the brightside, this past week i did pretty good.


MONDAY
out of supps and depressed over missing the past 2 weeks. began to snap out of it when BF brought home a month's supply of protein and pre-workout shit that i like. did nothing more strenuous than wash all of the floors.


TUESDAY
afternoon walk/run with little bro. 33 minutes total (4 mins walking, 2 mins running; repeated 5 times). my legs felt like lead and my cardio sucked. i was huffing and puffing like a 100 year old chain smoker. i think this was partly due to pushing too hard to keep up with little bro (i definitely underestimated him!!). this, of course, was the phase 3 workout. i think that i will repeat phase 3 again next week before advancing to phase 4. 


WEDNESDAY
weights/cardio circuit at noon. felt strong and had a good sweat. first time that i wasn't watching the clock and anticipating the end of the workout. i was actually all "wow, that's it?" when it was over. 


THURSDAY
i had set the alarm for my morning run the night before, but it didn't go off. i ended up doing the weights/cardio circuit at noon again.
took the kids for a walk later in the afternoon, probably about 25 minutes. BF helped me do 15 minutes of ab work when we got home. i feel very tired and kind of sore, but otherwise in good spirits.


FRIDAY
finally, my stupid goddamned alarm decides to work!!! out the door at 6:30am for a walk/run (same phase 3 workout). it was a gorgeous morning, and i did better than on monday. i really must have been pushing too hard then, because this time it was easy to finish. i was barely out of breath at all. still had a bit of tightness in my shin and calf, so even though it seemed easy, i will repeat phase 3 next week. 


SATURDAY
walked around with the kids all morning, at least 3 hours. spent the afternoon shopping. had no time to sit down, and didn't get to even think about my weights. 


SUNDAY
hungthefuckover. also started my period last night. FUN!!! will try to run tomorrow, even if it is a fucking holiday.

sexy back: week 2 of running program

when i first looked back at my week yesterday, i was discouraged. i felt like i didn't do enough, and i missed too many walk/runs. but now that i think about it, i did plenty. i think i was on the verge of overtraining, and the diarrhea early in the week didn't help. but shit happens. you just wipe your ass, flush, wash your hands, and move on. 

here is the breakdown of my week of training.

MONDAY

phase 2 workout (4 minutes walk, 1 minute run, repeated 5 times). at 6am when i first headed out, it was overcast and drizzling. within 5 minutes, it was POURING. but even though i sometimes couldn't see a thing, it was a warm rain and it felt AWESOME. when i was done, i stopped in on my mother and had a coffee with her. 
the rest of the day, i had SO MUCH fucking energy, it was unreal! I went for a 20 minute walk with my brother later in the day to go weigh myself again. i wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened once before... but in 1 WEEK, i lost 14.1lbs!! NO BULL. ok, so i know a lot of it would have been water weight, since i was bloated as hell and on my period last week.. but STILL, i know some of that was due to hard work, and a cleaned up diet. 
as soon as i got home from that, BF showed me a bit of muay thai kickboxing with the focus pads and mma gloves i got him for his birthday last month. that was fucking FUN!! got a good 40 minutes in, great workout!! 

TUESDAY
this day wasn't too good at all. first, my alarm didn't go off. dastardly thing. THEN, as if that wasn't enough, i had explosive diarrhea ALL.FUCKING.DAY. yeah, not exactly the best condition to be in to go running about. so i spent the majority of the day on the couch and in the bathroom. 

WEDNESDAY
tummy is still kind of gross. BF didn't think i should do anything today either, and i actually listened to his advice. went for my morning walk, but only for 15 minutes. after resting for the morning, i cleaned the floors and stuff. 

THURSDAY
feeling much better today.. tummy-wise at least. started out at 6:30am for a run, but my ankle and knee started paining right away. AGAIN, i had to cut it down to just a walk. decided to do the oxygen circuit later in the afternoon, but i modified it to lessen any impact on my ankle and knee. 


FRIDAY
i woke up very exhausted. it took me a good hour to come around enough to start my morning cleaning routine. i had meant to run today too, but i just feel so worn out. i was a little discouraged early in the day because i didn't do all of my runs this week. i feel better now though, and i will do the phase 2 workout again next week. i'm going to take the weekend off, but i will still be doing A LOT of stuff. i have a lot of yard work, re-organizing, and things to move around. 
i'm definitely looking forward to monday!! let's just hope my ankle and knee cooperate!

sexy back: week 1 of running program

i'm so fucking done with the everyday fitness blogs. it's too much. i mean, i liked it at first, but most days there is just not enough hours. and spring has finally showed its face up here in canada, so the less time i spend pounding away at the old keyboard when i could be enjoying the great outdoors, the better. 


that being said, i still want to document my journey. so i will be doing a weekly post rather than daily. easier for me, less for you to read. this will be the first, and it is for last week, which was week 1 of my new running program after coming back from the ankle injury. after this, you can look forward to a new post every friday or saturday. please, try to contain your excitement. i know these blogs must have you on the edge of your fucking seat. so here we go with week 1.

MONDAY
up at 6am for a 30 minute walk. it was gorgeous, and i had a hard time not running. but i don't want to aggravate my bitch of an ankle, so that kept me in check. 
i had intended to do the oxygen circuit later, but it turned out to be a crazy busy day. after i came back from my morning walk and the boys were off to school, i had to pack up baby and take her with me down to the health center to weigh myself. walking both ways, of course. it took about 40 minutes, there and back. after some relaxing at home, i was getting ready to work out. little bro showed up after school and wanted to take the boys to the store. of course, he asked them before asking ME, and all of a sudden it was 4 against 1. so i HAD to take them. no big deal, except that it took a couple hours and 3 or 4 tantrums from baby to get them all there, get their treats, and get them all back home. then of course, we had to play in the yard. i was totally exhausted by the end of the day. no circuit.


TUESDAY
dragging ass, but went for my morning walk anyway. after sending boys off to school, i had to make another journey to the health center with baby, but this time for needles. then to the store to console her with treats. again, i had every intention of doing my circuit today, as tired as i was, but it didn't happen. we had to go get groceries in the afternoon, and i got myself a new pair of running shoes. exhausted again, went to bed early.


WEDNESDAY
day off from walking. did absolutely nothing all day except for clean the house.


THURSDAY
was supposed to get up for a walk, but i was way too tired. i felt like all of the activity earlier in the week had caught up to me and i was exhausted. i didn't feel bad about missing though, because i think i did plenty for my first week. excited because with all of the walking and chasing kids around and shopping, i did not feel a single twinge of pain in my ankle. yay!!

FRIDAY
up at 6am for another walk. love love LOVE the new shoes and can't wait to take them for a real run!! they are so light and comfortable!! turns out, all these years, i've been wearing a size 9 when what i really needed was a 9.5. BF seems to think that ill-fitting shoes may have played a role in my ankle injury. interesting..
did the oxygen circuit in the afternoon. ankle started acting up a couple hours later. we think it is the jumping jacks, and next week, i will substitute something else for it. thankfully, the ankle pain went away after rest and ice. 

sexy back {16/04/2012}

last night, i set my alarm for 6am and set out my clothes. i had planned to get up before everyone else and go for a walk. but my alarm obviously hates me, because it didn't go off. nope, i DIDN'T do it wrong. NOPE. fuck off with that right now, it hates me. end. of. story. motherfucker.

anyway, all was not lost. i was so excited to start this new running program that i popped right up out of bed at 6:10am. not bad.

so i got my ass dressed, and slipped out of the house as quickly and quietly as i could. like a ninja. it was a beautiful spring morning, and i had my mp3 player blasting me into wakefulness with some metal. 

before i get into this any farther, i suppose i ought to explain why i was walking, if this is after all, a new *running* program. well, i am starting from scratch, even if it means that my progress will be slowed down, because under no circumstances whatsoever do i want to re-injure my ankle. that was a really shitty, depressing 2 weeks, yo.

so this program (i got it from a book that BF ordered me from runner's world. it's called "run your butt off") is geared towards helping a moderately sedentary person build up from walking to being able to run for 30 minutes straight. and while i as tempted to just kind of skip the first few weeks and start the program with the amount of running that i left off with, i know that i can't do that. my ankle is just starting to feel completely normal again, and it still gets a little twingy and weak at night. so i had to start from scratch with the phase 1 workout from my book: walk for 30 minutes, 3-4 times a week for 1 week.

so i took my walk. i really had a hard time stopping myself from running, especially with the kick ass playlist i was jamming to. but i restrained myself and kept it at a brisk walk.  it was nice, and it made me realize how much i missed having this time to myself, before everyone else was awake and needed me to cook something, clean something, kiss something better...

another part of the program that i like is that the book has a little workbook section in the back where you can track your progress. so  before the boys got home from school, i packed up baby and walked down to the health center to get on the scale. i don't keep a scale in the house because of my history of anorexia. i know enough about fitness and nutrition now that i really doubt that i will slip into those old, destructive habits again, but having a scale in the house would STILL mess with my head. i'd drive myself totally batshit insane. no doubt about it.

ahh... you see that?^^^

i'm stalling. because i really don't want to tell you what i weigh. fuck. but i will, even if the only purpose it serves is for documentation. i also recorded my other measurements. fun stuff.

Height: 5'10" {hell yes, i'm a big bitch!}

Weight: 212.3lbs

Chest: 41.25"

Waist: 40.5"
Hips: 44.7"

Thighs: 24.5"

stupid numbers, huh? i'll just forget all this shit right now. the whole point of all that {well the height/weight} was to calculate my BMR {basal metabolic rate, i.e. the calories my body needs daily for basic functions to keep my ass alive}. my BMR is currently 1782.

now i ain't about to go batshit insane and go counting my calories, but this book has some pretty cool formulas. for example, i used my BMR to calculate how many calories i need to maintain my current weight {not lose, not gain, just stay the same}. that number is 2450.25 calories. and that's not even taking into account any exercise. that's just if i did nothing but veg all day, i could remain at this weight as long as i didn't consume more than that. nifty, huh? 

anyway... enough of that. boring ass math bullshit, if i do say so myself. i had planned on doing my oxygen circuit sometime today. but then my little brother showed up and had the grand idea of taking the kids for a walk to the store. GRAND idea!! and of course, once they heard the word "store", they HAD.TO.GO.


the whole ordeal of getting them there, keeping baby from destroying the quaint little local business, and convincing them all to share a bag of chips was exhausting, to say the least. by the time we got back home, i had been on my feet for at least 2 hours. i was excited to see that BF was finally home, putting away groceries and cleaning up, and i planned to plop my ass on the front step, stick my toes in the sand, and watch him chase them around. but no. he was "busy cleaning the house." WTF? SERIOUSLY? motherfuckers heard it HERE first: the end times are upon us!! 

it was a beautiful day, and there were kids out playing all over the neighbourhood. but thanks to my exhausted ass, i could only take another hour and a half of lovely outdoors shenanigans like chasing baby as she tried to run headlong into traffic while dodging footballs, soccer balls, and the neighbour's psychotic, bike driving tikes. after that blessed hour and a half, i had to put on my "bad mommy" hat and say, "THAT'S ENOUGH!!" i brought the rugrats indoors, popped in a movie and put my damn feet up. 


so obviously, i am WAY too fucking tired for anything more strenuous than a hot bath with mr. stephen king and "the stand". up and at it again early tomorrow morning!!


XD

sexy back {13/04/2012}

yesterday was pretty awesome for my first day back. i did the oxygen circuit {not the higher intensity one, just the basic one i started with that's repeated only once}, and even though i have been doing fuck all for the past 2 weeks, i think i did pretty good. the only thing that suffered was my push-ups. they were definitely harder. in a way, i am still greatful for the injury though. when i was working out yesterday, i found myself paying extra close attention to form rather than just getting it done. i'm not saying that my form was bad before, but yesterday it was definitely my main concern. the last thing i need is another injury!!


after the workout, i felt good. my ankle didn't hurt, but still had that slight weak feeling. BF noticed later that it had swollen a bit, so it had to be elevated and iced. apparently, it would have been better if i had wrapped it for the workout, but BF wasn't around for me to ask, so i figured i was ok without wrapping. i feel kind of dumb now though, because i should have known better. 


my original plan for getting back into the swing of things was to stick with the circuit until saturday, since it is pretty low impact. but waking up this morning with a slighty twinge-y, slightly more weak feeling ankle makes me think that this might not be a good idea. i'm not sure what exactly it was that caused the cursed ankle to flare up again {probably the running in place or jumping jacks. derp}, but i have to try not to aggravate it farther today. i do have to go to my mother's in a bit, but it's only a 5 minute walk and shouldn't be a problem... especially since i am only bringing 1 kid out of the 3. 


as for today's workout, i will be scouring my oxygen magazines for a good arm workout. i have to do something, and something that will not put any extra stress on my ankle. BF suggested abs and arms, so that's what i'm going with. and of course, after all of this activity, i will try to find the time to sit and elevate/ice my ankle. 

sexy back!! UPDATE

two and a half weeks since my last work out. while i do wish i could say it was due to another bout of laziness accompanied by a case of the fuckits, it wasn't. motherfucking ankle injury, coming back to haunt me. evil ankle. 


my last workout was insanity's pure cardio. i felt fine afterwards, but the next morning as soon as i took a step down the stairs to grab the laundry, i felt a weird twinge and my ankle began to throb. it got worse and worse as the day went on. i wasn't particularly concerned at first, since it was my rest day, so i figured if i took some ibuprofen, iced it a couple times, and stayed off of it as much as i could, i would be good to go the next day.


well, the next day it was still hurting. obviously, i wasn't going to get my run in. and it sucked. despite BF's admonitions to stay the hell off my feet for another day, i ended up being a dumbass and taking the kids for a walk to the store. by the time we got there, it hurt so fucking bad. i'm just glad that my sister was at the store. she gave me a lift home, and i vowed to rest my ankle until it didn't hurt anymore.

resting is not always easy with three kids, three dogs, two cats, and a household to take care of. and to top it all off, i caught a nasty flu on my second day off. it hit me like a ton of bricks, and i was actually bedridden for 2 days. but maybe it was a blessing in disguise, since it kept me off of my feet. i recovered from this death flu just in time for easter. and of course, being the stubborn dumbass that i am, i ended up walking to my mother's for easter, even though i could have easily caught a ride with some relatives. i'm such an idiot sometimes. when i need to be active, i find myself hit with the fuckits and an intense desire to just flop on my bed and watch hours of daytime tv and drink endless coffee. on the other hand, if i am supposed to be taking it easy or if i am in any kind of discomfort, i essentially have to be physically restrained to sit still. it's definitely something i need to work on.


anyway, i eventually gave myself a swift mental kick in the ass and tried to concentrate on the fact that every time i was out walking around and overdoing it even though my ankle was throbbing and screaming out for me to stop, all i was accomplishing was increasing the time it would take for me to recover. which of course leads to less calories burned, and eventually, weight gain. to be honest, right now after not having done anything  for over two weeks, i feel like a big fat blob. i KNOW it's all in my head, i know that i didn't pack on any significant amount of weight in these 17 days, and this is reinforced by the fact that the compliments from friends and neighbours are still trickling in. my dear old auntie even told me that she didn't recognize me the other day; apparently, she had mistaken me for "one of those little teeny-boppers." WOOO!! i'll take that compliment, especially since it's been a few years since i've been asked for ID at the liquor store. BUT the thing is, when i'm home i don't think like that. i was seeing the days go by without any workouts, and psychologically at least, i was packing on the pounds. especially in the second week. man, i felt like shit. 

just when i thought that my ankle would never EVER heal, and i'd be confined to my couch and/or bed forever, eventually growing to the size of a walrus and needing to be washed by a hose and squeegee by my poor children, it happened. i had to go grocery shopping. i dreaded it, and looked at it as yet another thing that was going to set me back. but what in god's name would we end up being stuck eating if i sent BF?! so i wrapped my ankle and went. surprisingly, i was ok during and after the trip. my ankle didn't pain anymore, but it did feel weak. i made sure to keep up with my ice/ibuprofen/elevating regimen anyway, just to be on the safe side. 

yesterday, i was a bit more active. ok, well a lot more. i mopped all of the floors and was up and down the stairs eleventy bajillion times to and from the laundry room. halfway through all of  this activity, i stepped in puppy pee with my only ankle wrap. so of course, it had to come off and go into the wash. i was surprised that i really didn't need it anymore. the pain was gone, and even though my ankle felt kind of weak and i was a little nervous that i would be sore at the end of the day, i wasn't. 


today, it feels nearly 100%. i'm starting from scratch again though, since i really don't want to be injured again. i'm going to do my oxygen circuit today and see how i feel. if i have no pain, i will be doing the circuit until saturday. i plan to take sunday off, and start fresh on monday with a new running program. it's meant for beginners, and is geared towards people who are trying to transition from a completely sendentary lifestyle to an active one. i think this will be the best way to start in order to prevent injury. i don't dare start running right away, so i will just be walking for the rest of next week. also, i will not be doing any insanity workouts for at least 8 weeks.

just a few days ago, i was depressed. i looked at these two weeks off as time and progress lost. i felt fat, useless, and weak. i see it differently now. my body needed the break from all of the jumping, running, and other high impact punishments i had been putting it through. it has been a learning experience. i realize now that two weeks of rest does not equal failure. 


time to get shit done.

sexy back!! day 14

fucking awesome. those are 2 words that describe today. oh sure, the little taste of summer we had last week with the super weird, yet AMAZING heat wave we had is long gone, and it seems winter is back with a vengeance. fucking canada. but despite all of that, i know the cold and wind simply can't stick around forever. 

i went for a little walk to my mom's today to visit her and my little bro. it was nice, especially since mom is 3 months sober. we played a few games of crib and talked. after that i went home, expecting to be bitched at by BF, since i had been gone for hours when i only went over to borrow some potatoes. BUT he didn't mind, and even seemed to be enjoying his afternoon with the kids. the end of his man-struation? i hope so. impending apocalypse? more likely. 

anyway, i didn't get a chance to work out until 8:30 tonight. i did insanity's plyometric cardio circuit {my fave!!}, and i felt strong. the only thing that sucks is that i get winded and need to stop to catch my breath, even when i know i should be able to go longer. fuck. it's the cigarettes, i know it. even though i have cut WAY back, it's not enough. i need to quit. 


tomorrow is rest day, although i don't think i will get much rest. i have to wash all of the floors and hopefully get some more organizing done. should be fun. NOT


XD

sexy back!! day 12 & 13

well, here we are. i am feeling much better, and things are much happier in the kitchen {and in the bedroom, but we'll get to that later hehe}.


the other day, when i said i was going to do the oxygen circuit, i didn't get to it. BF came home shortly after i posted, and we had a good talk. there was a bit of yelling, more than a little crying, and it was all in all very therapeutic for me {and educational for him}. in any case, all i'm going to say is that even though i didn't get to do my oxygen workout, i DID get a little.. umm... cardio ;)

yesterday i went for a run. i missed the gym, but since the roads are mostly clear of ice i decided to head out on the road. the only problem was that it was pretty windy. i didn't think it would be that bad, and since the wind was at my back for the first half of my run it really didn't seem like the wind would be an issue. BUT on my way back, there was a hill and the wind was blowing in my face. it was cold and it was really hard to catch my breath. i made it up the hill, but i really struggled. so much so, that i wasn't able to recover enough to do the last part of my running exercise, and had to go the rest of the way at just a brisk walk. pretty fucking discouraging. 

i could feel the bad mood starting to creep back, so rather than going straight home i stopped in to visit my aunts and mom. we had a good little visit, and they told me all about how they have taken to walking together every day to help my oldest aunt with her diabetes. then they stuffed me with homemade banana bread and tim hortons coffee and sent me on my way. WHAT?! i can't very well say NO to offered food, especially when ALL of my aunts are there! they would have sent me to the corner or some shit! anyway, i felt loads better when getting home. my mood improved tenfold when BF reassured me that even though i didn't finish what i had planned and written out in my "most holy of holy schedule" {his words. sarcastic fucker}, that i had run my first hill and that he was actually surprised that i made it up at all, let alone with the wind. that was nice. i think he's FINALLY starting to see how serious i am about this. i might let him keep his testicles attached rather than skewering them off with a rusty spork and mounting them on my wall as a warning for any other testicle-wielding individuals who  find themselves in my vicinity. 


today went pretty good too. i did the oxygen circuit again, but i bumped up the intensity a notch. instead of 2 circuits, i did 3 and the amount of reps and intensity increased. here it is:


run in place: 50 steps
body-weight bulgarian squat: 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks: 30 reps
standing hammer curl: 15 reps
step-ups: 12 reps
push-up: 15 reps {regular 1st circuit, incline 2nd, regular 3rd}
run in place: 50 steps
side plank: hold for 20-30 seconds each side
jumping jacks: 30 reps
raises: 15 reps {front raise 1st circuit, lateral 2nd, bent over 3rd}
step-ups: 12 reps
one-armed seated row: 15 reps each arm
run in place: 50 steps
walking lunge: 15 reps each leg
jumping jacks: 30 reps
bench dips: 15 reps
step-ups: 12 reps each leg


after all of that, i rested for 2 minutes and repeated it twice more for a total of 3 circuits {with the indicated changes to certain moves}.


i feel pretty awesome now. i'm glad i was able to get over this past week's depression and discouragement, and even though it was rough, i am proud of myself for getting my head out of my ass for long enough to stop with the fucking whining and just get shit done. another great thing about today? i took some pics of me to see how they compare to the pics i took back in january. i was hoping for a bit more of a difference by now, but i guess i'm just my own worst critic. and i DO need to live. AND i do believe that occasional indulgences in things like wine, doritos, and chocolate are necessary for life. NECESSARY. just shut up and look at my pics :)

tomorrow is insanity day!! i'm actually looking forward to it.. well, as much as a person can look forward to running and jumping around until reduced to a grunting, sweaty, swearing mess. wish me luck!!


XD

sexy back?? day 11 {kind of}

first of all, let me apologize to anyone out there reading these fitness blogs for being so damn negative over the past couple of weeks. this is supposed to be a fucking positive thing, and maybe sometimes funny, but it's been hard to stay positive at all.


secondly, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. so yeah. i will bitch today, and probably cry my eyes out.


i'm hurt. really badly. if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that BF has not been very supportive and that his behaviors are really doing a number on my motivation and drive... not to mention my ability to make it to the gym. i suppose i will start at the beginning. well the beginning of this latest program anyway. i want to run an 18k in roughly 6 months. given my competitive nature, i believe that committing to this sort of challenge will help me stay motivated to work out as scheduled. after hours upon hours of research, i devised a training program suited to my needs. this is what i'm trying to do now. it's a 3 days on, 1 day off deal. day 1: running exercise; day 2: oxygen circuit; day 3: insanity. pretty straightforward right? 


obviously, with all of the time and effort i put into research and all the times i've been pushed my body to its limits in these past couple of weeks, this is something that means a lot to me. not only for the fitness aspect and challenge either. the run is for a good cause: suicide prevention and awareness. this is a cause very close to my heart, as i have lost friends and my very first love to suicide, and i have also been suicidal in the past. it will mean a lot to me, more than can actually be expressed through written word, to be able to run in this event and honour the memory of my lost loved ones and to raise awareness of this issue.

when i first got it into my head to do this, i was so excited i could barely sleep. i could not wait until the next day to email my sister to ask her if she would like to train for it too. she was all in, and nearly as excited as i was. then the research. my mind was boggled with the wealth of information i found. how to run, how far, how fast, what to wear, WHAT TO PUT BETWEEN YOUR ASSCHEEKS TO PREVENT CHAFING, everything. i soaked it all in. "i got this bitch. i can do this!!" 

then i decided to share with BF my excitement and my workout schedule, in hopes that he would share my enthusiasm or at least offer some helpful tips, since he ran track and field in high school and is a veritable wealth of information for anything fitness related. i didn't exactly get the response i was hoping for. in between interrupting me to talk about HIS accomplishments with running and HIS workouts, all i got was a raised eyebrow and a skeptical look at my plans, and a dismissive, "oh that's nice babe. but today at the gym......"


ouch. ok, so maybe he has too much other things on his mind, i thought. maybe taking on 2 new guys to train at the gym is causing this distraction. i put it out of my mind and concentrated on my workouts. i did good, for the most part. at the time, i had a sitter who was pretty reliable. but things changed. 


now, my sitter always cancels. i've given up on even calling her. there is no one else that i can get to watch the kids for less than an hour so i could go down to use the treadmill 2-3 times a week. no one except for BF. 


all week, he has promised to be home before the gym closed so that i could go down and get my run in. he has never ever made good on his promise. he hasn't even apologized for messing up my schedule. when i try to talk to him about it, he dismisses me and makes excuses. something came up, i had to go here, do this, smoke weed in a shed all fucking day. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

the other day, i was so discouraged by his inconsiderate ways and i was angry. so i did my insanity workout instead, and figured i could reverse the schedule this one time {insanity, circuit, run; rather than vice versa}. well, i was reminded of why i had decided to stick insanity on the last day. yesterday {which was supposed to be circuit day}, i was so tired and worn out from the previous day's insanity workout that i didn't do anything. well, i did take the kids for a long-ish walk, but nothing else but that. i had planned to work out in the evening, but by the time i got supper made and the baby to sleep, i just didn't have anything left. my hips and knees were really bothering me, and i just felt beaten. so i went to bed. but before bed, i had a talk with BF. while i didn't exactly get an apology out of him, he did promise that i would get to the gym today, FOR SURE. 


today. ugh. well, today the kids are home because it is parent teacher conference day. good, i thought, he HAS TO come home on time, because i need to be at the school by 1:30. the gym is right next door to the school too, so i could just head over after i was done at the school. it seemed like a perfect plan. except here it is, 3:30pm, and i haven't seen or heard from the asshole since. not a phone call, NOTHING. 


what really gets me is that if he wasn't going to make it home, he could have at least called and told me so that i could make other arrangements. it's bad enough that i missed my workout, but parent teacher day? OH FUCK NO. 
when i think about it though, i feel really stupid for thinking i could count on his ass to think of anyone but his fucking self. 

so here i am. it's too late for the gym, unless he comes home RIGHT THIS SECOND, and even then only if there are still people in there to open the door for me {they lock the doors at 3}. i have been bouncing from intense anger to hurt to heartbroken to depressed for the past couple of hours. i know i have to stop letting his shit get to me. i know that this is supposed to be about me. but it's fucking hard. and it's fucking unfair. i wouldn't do this to him, i wouldn't even think of it. if he had a goal he was working toward, i would support him every step of the way. but when it comes to MY goals, or anything i need to do for that matter, it's not even a priority. 


i do so much for this man, i love him, and i don't want much in return. a little appreciation, a little recognition for the things i do for him and our family. an hour 2-3 times a week to run. that's it.


nothing is changing. no matter if i'm nice about it and try to talk to him, no matter if i fight, yell, bitch, scream, or cry.. nothing gets through to him. he just doesn't give a single measly fuck about what i want to do. things have to change, and today is the day for it. i just can't fucking do this anymore. i can't be a fucking doormat, i can't be expected to hold up this façade any longer. i don't deserve to be treated this way. if he can't see that, and if he can't at least try a little harder to not be such an inconsiderate assbag, then i will have to do this alone. all of it. the kids, the pets, life. without him. 

i don't know what is going to happen when he gets home. maybe he'll cry and beg me to change my mind. maybe he'll flip the fuck out and scream and yell. maybe he'll call me down to the lowest and tell me the only reason he hasn't left already i because he doesn't think i can handle doing this alone. i don't know. 


what do i know? i'm gonna fucking work out today. it might not be on the schedule, but i am going to get it done. i figure until i can get a decent sitter or something arranged, i will have to go back to just the insanity and oxygen circuit. i'll do the circuit later on, after supper. 


i'll be back after to tell about my workout, and bitch about whatever soreness and/or problems i run into. 

sexy back!! day 10

WELL.. i certainly gave my muscles time to "recover", didn't i? today {wednesday} is the first time i've worked out in 5 days. 5 stupid fucking days. ok, well i had planned on taking a hangover day {sunday}, and starting on monday, but that didn't happen. 


BF and i haven't been getting along the very best lately. it doesn't help that i feel like he doesn't care about what i want to achieve either. for fuck sakes, i started this whole fitness journey FOR him. it's all for me now, but wanting to be more desirable for him and to have something in common was a big part of the reason i picked up that oxygen magazine and started with the hip hop abs over a year ago. but it really seems that he could care less about what i do with myself. 

ok, ok. so i know this about ME, i'm doing it for ME, and MY health.. so i shouldn't care what he thinks {if he even thinks of me at all}.. but fuck, it hurts. i just want to matter to him. that's all. i want to be more than that chick that lives with him that cleans the house and feeds him and his children. blech. 


ANYWAY.. enough of that pathetic bullshit. what i was trying to get to is why i didn't get to do my run on monday {or tuesday, OR today} as planned. on monday, he had some errands to run. i was cool with that, i actually needed him to grab me a couple things too. all i asked was for him to try to make it back by 3, just in case the sitter cancelled again {which she has been doing A LOT!}. he said no problem, and even that he would call and let me know if he was going to be late, so i could get someone to hold the door open for me {the local free gym where i use the treadmill on running days closes at 3}. good, i thought, either way, i'm covered. i WILL get my run in. well.. the sitter cancelled. i wasn't worried though. i sat there like a stupid little twat, waiting for him to come through the door, or at least for the phone to ring. NOTHING. i was pissed off, but mostly hurt. i didn't even bother telling him off when he finally did make it home {without a single apology or explanation!}, i just went to sleep. yesterday, same thing. except yesterday, we had a huge fight first thing in the morning. i ended up sleeping on the couch just to get as far away from him as i could, and because i knew that if i banished him to the couch he'd just sneak back into bed once i was asleep {i sleep like the dead!}. shittiest sleep EVER. same thing today. no sitter, still not speaking to the cunt. but midway through the day, i kind of snapped out of my funk and got pissed. here i am, being a fucktard and letting this asshole ruin my workouts. i could have done weights those days, or insanity, instead of missing!! well, maybe not weights, since that's not how it is on my little schedule.. BUT, i could have done SOMETHING. 


so tonight, after supper was cleaned up and all of the homework was done, i slapped in my insanity dvd and GOT SHIT DONE. it felt good to channel my anger towards something useful, and i feel better for doing it. tomorrow it will be weights, and the day after that, a run AND weights {depending on how i feel}. if i can't run for whatever reason, i'll do insanity. i figure as long as i'm not doing high impact {running and insanity} on consecutive days, i'm ok. i also have to work on finding a more reliable sitter. 

so i'm glad i finally worked out. i am disappointed with myself for missing those days, but there is no point dwelling on that. i am hurt by the way BF has been acting, but that's his fucking problem. bottom line: this is MY health, MY goal of running the 18k in the fall, MY body, and i'll be damned if i'm going to let a little asshattery fuck that up on me. i'm not sure where our relationship is going from this point, except that a big ass TALK is going to be had, and soon. frankly, i don't give a fuck anymore. i'm just gonna keep doing my thing, getting this sexy back :)