it's not supposed to be like this

{written on january 3, 2012}


it's not supposed to be like this. people can and do change. right? love is real. isn't it? we're still ok. aren't we?


how can one incident, no matter how frightening, bring me back to this terrifying place that i had thought was long gone and behind us for good? you're right here, right beside me. i can touch you. but i feel completely alone. why do i suddenly feel as if this entire past year has been just a dream, just a sickeningly sweet dream that i am desperately, but hopelessly, grasping at? 


why can't you ever apologize? why don't you ever ask if i'm ok? in case you're wondering, i'm not. i'm hurting, torn open, fucking hemorrhaging at the thought of how quickly and easily you reverted back to your old, cruel ways. 8 years, and suddenly i feel like i don't even know you. 


what about the past year?  where is that sweet, gentle man? was it all a lie, or some hopelessly foolish fantasy that i allowed myself to believe? all of the kisses, all of the hours spent without words, just us, being together. how could you fake all of that? 


call me stupid, but it's been real for me. and you can never say i didn't try. i gave you everything, all of me. i worked so hard to be everything: the perfect mom, wife, friend. but for what? when i think of it now, you never noticed how much i was trying. you don't even fucking notice ME, unless of course, i fuck something up. 


wait just one fucking minute here, motherfucker. when i started writing this shit, i was in tears, silently sobbing, feeling helpless in the wake of your rage. so i take a break, grab a glass of water, smoke.. come back to read over what i had written..


WHAT IN THE SWEET FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? fuck you, asshole. you put a hole in my wall, or fuck anything up in my fucking house, expect some fucking nut-sack obliterating wrath. you frighten my children, MY VERY REASONS FOR EXISTENCE, i will fucking end you. you insult my family just because they don't like you, you better go take a flying fuck at a flaming tire, because that's the only thing your dick is getting near. 


you're sleeping now. content. peaceful. you know nothing of this other than the defeated look you put on my face, and the tears that you caused to flow against my will. you probably think you've won, broken me some how. you have no fucking idea. i hope you get your fucking rest, you cunt, because you are going to fucking need it.