in hiding

i'm in hiding. i unpublished my fb page, and i'm not sure if i will get it up and running again. i left all of my groups that are not connected to me IRL. i miss my girls though. they were hysterically funny and amazingly supportive. but this is something i felt i needed to do. i needed to take a step back from the online world, and fix my real world problems.


it was so easy to just hop on the computer, have a laugh, and pretend everything is ok. in fact, my funniest moments always seemed to be the times i was hurting the most. humour can be very therapeutic, but it can also serve as a mask. you can hide what you feel through jokes and laughter and sarcasm. you can hide it so well, that you might even forget about it for awhile.


the thing with feelings is that you can't keep them hidden for long. even if there is no one else in the entire world that even suspects that something isn't right, even if you wear that mask 24/7... you can't hide them from yourself. 


eventually i found myself lying in bed wide awake, night after night, long after everyone else had fallen asleep. i'd be sad and anxious and lonely, eventually sneaking out of bed to smoke like a chimney and do laundry. mind you, i have no reason to be feeling like this. things are finally looking up. the kids are amazing, as always, bringing me surprising little moments of immeasurable love and joy during the day. BF has been intensely sweet and understanding, too. afer 8 years, he has finally mastered the art of surviving through my period without a major blow-up. he's dealt with the countless mood swings and my often unreasonable bitchiness with sweet smiles, hugs, and unconditional love. he truly deserves a medal, or at least more than i could ever give him with my piss poor apologies that in no way make up for how unreasonable i can be. 


after a few days without online distractions, i've learned a few things.


1. i have to learn to stop isolating myself from friends and family. it's not right that the only people that i see each day are my kids and BF. i need to overcome that anxiety and just GTFO.
2. i need to see my doctor about a lot of things, including: my anxiety at leaving the house, the cycle of depression and hyperactivity that i've been noticing these past few months, and what ever the fuck it is with my intestines
3. i need something more in my life, other than just being a gf and mother. i need a challenge, more mental stimulation. i've been looking into ways of getting back to school to get my LPN, so i guess that's a start.


i know what i have to do. the trick is to get it done. as the self-appointed queen of isolation, i have to get my ass out of this house before i become just another piece of furniture. today is a good start. i've promised my time to a local sliding party for the community's children. i helped to set up the event, and i promised the kids all week that we would go. so unless there is some kind of catastrophe, i'll be leaving the house. am i anxious? fuck yes. but disappointing the kids is a much worse thing than facing all of the other moms and their questions as to why i haven't followed through on my promises of joining them for a girls' night, or even just a coffee.  


the real day of reckoning comes on monday, the deadline i have set for myself to make all the phone calls and appointments that are needed. the thought even of picking up the phone makes me anxious, but it has to be done. 


i hope that the doctor will have some answers for me, or at least send me to someone who will. living like this is not good for me, and not good for my children.