so i'm a fucking slacker. don't rub it in, i've been beating my own ass about it for the past couple of weeks. not that it's doing any good; i haven't had a workout in over a week, and my diet has been SHIT.
now here is where the usual excuses come in: i started a new job and i'm not a morning person, so i can't just get up, workout, and shower before everyone else starts moving. then, after work, i still have to get supper and help with homework and bathe the kids and put them to bed and blah blah FUCKING BLAH. plus, i started my period on my first day of work, and NOW i seem to have caught some kind of fucking plague from the chick i was filling in for in the first place.
well you know what? FUCK YOU SELF!! you lazy ass, excuse making BITCH. i realize now, that *I* am my own biggest obstacle in this road to fitness, what with all my excuses and "i'll get back on track tomorrows."
but that doesn't work either. beat myself up, i feel guilty and useless, then guess what? i bottom out and get depressed. and that means i'm all like, "FUCK THIS SHIT, let's get a fried chicken dinner with poutine style fries and a 2L Pepsi!" which is EXACTLY what i did yesterday. and of course that was under the guise of "let's get some takeout as a treat for baby's birthday dinner, and that way i can get her cake frosted faster because i won't be busy cooking or cleaning the fucking kitchen." that was total BULLFUCKINGSHIT of the purest variety. i had a bad case of the FUCKITS, and used my poor little baby's birthday as an opportunity to fuck myself over.
so obviously, SOMETHING is not working. the food journalling is fine, i know it helps. i can tell it does because on the days i keep my little notebook out within arm's reach, i do really good at portion control and actually eating instead of just existing on the calories from my endless "coffee, 2 sugar."
what i am lacking is motivation and drive. this led me to think today {i am sick with some kind of fucking flu/plague/living DEATH, so forbidden from working out} that maybe i need to re-evaluate just why the fuck i'm doing this. well, like i mentioned before, when i first wrote out my whole workout program, i want to fit into those sexy jeans from 2008. BUT that is not enough, that is not what i REALLY want and should be striving for.
i'm actually happy with my body as is. i'm no supermodel, but i am not ugly. i have a great ass, long shapely legs up to my neck, decent boobage, and even though it's far from flat OR smooth, my tummy is not THAT repulsive. for the first time in YEARS {maybe in my whole life!} i can stand naked in front of the mirror and not cringe in shame. my body is far from perfect, but those little things don't bother me so much anymore. so i have loose skin, stretch marks, and a bit of flab on my midsection. those are my battle scars from overcoming childhood obesity AND an eating disorder, not to mention the fact that i brought 3 very large, healthy, and robust little humans into this world. so my boobs aren't perky and have been stretched out a few times due to weight gain, pregnancy and breastfeeding. that's nothing to be ashamed of. even if they do someday make their final descent down to my fucking belly button, they are still beautiful. i fed my children from them, and if that isn't something to be proud of them for, i don't know what is.
i love my body, i really do. and not just because of what it did and what it is capable of doing. there are some shallow reasons as well. i like how certain pants just hug the curve of my butt and hips, and the way BF will worshipfully rub, grope, and grab this ample booty of mine, like a man possessed. i like the double takes and unabashed stares that i get when i'm in short shorts or skirts showcasing my long brown legs. i LOVE how when i'm lying in bed with just a tank and panties, reading a book and not feeling particularly sexy, BF will just dive into the bed to hug, kiss, rub, and basically worship my legs and ass. i love how i can be naked with him, and not worry that my tummy is bulging or the lighting is making the cellulite more prominent.
so WHY do i want to this? why do i want to religiously record every fucking calorie, EVERY FUCKING DAY? why do i start every fucking day with an assortment of pills, potions, and powders that i have spent literally HOURS researching, and schedule my meals, activities and EVERYTHING around them? WHY, OH WHY do i want to work myself into a sweating, swearing mess 4-5 times a week by jumping, running, weight lifting, and pushing my body to its absolute fucking limits? why, if i am happy with the way i look and my BF turns into a walking fucking hard-on of a teenage boy {at the age of 40} every time the booty shorts come out, do i persist in torturing myself over this? why don't i just ease off and cut myself some slack if i know that he will {and he has in the past} still love and lust after me if i was a bit more "fluffy" or "festively plump"? WHY FUCKING BOTHER?
i'll tell you why. MY CHILDREN. they need an active role model, they need a mom who can run, play, jump, and take them for endless outdoor adventures without getting tired. but not only that. they need a MOM. they need me for first dates, first jobs, first loves and heartbreaks, weddings, children... the focus needs to be taken off of my looks, because that is NOT what matters. it's a welcome side effect of active living and clean eating, but it's not what i should be striving for.
my father died prematurely of heart failure. on both sides of my family, there is history of heart diease, strokes, diabetes, osteoporosis, and cancer. TONS of cancer. cancer of the breast, colon, pancreas, prostate, cervix, ovaries... basically cancer of EVERYTHING you can have cancer in, it's hanging there off the old family tree like some bad fruit.
so what kind of SELFISH CUNT would i be if i just ignored all that, and kept eating the processed, packaged SHIT i used to, simply because it's on sale or easier to make? how could i ever begin to justify eating, and feeding to my family, foods that are not only filled with artificial flavors, colors, nd preservatives, but also known carcinogens, ESPECIALLY with my family history? how could i just sit and watch tv or facebook, not worrying about cardio or weights, even though my man loves me at ANY size?
i can't. i can't do it. not to myself, not to my children... or their children. so, these beautiful little people that i made are now my motivation. sure, my sexy jeans are still hung in a prominent place in my closet so that i see them every day.. BUT closet doors can be closed, and i can't see those pants while rummaging through the fridge in boredom. but my kids? they are ALWAYS with me, always foremost in my thoughts. my main motivation is no longer my desire for toned arms and a six-pack of rippling abdominal muscles. from this point on, my motivation, my reason to power through those grueling, sweaty battles with myself, is going to be the desire to be here, alive and well, for my children, for as long as humanly possible.
yeah, well... i slacked for a couple days again, due to all the craziness of the wake and funeral, and some overindulgence in the good ole red wine once the craziness had ended. i was going to work out yesterday, since i didn't have much of a hangover, but BF discouraged it, saying that it wouldn't do me any good. i usually do the exact opposite of what he advises, but not this time. i decided to be kind of lazy for another day, and spent some time on housework instead.
so today, i had a pretty good work out with the oxygen circuit. despite my slacking, as well as the fact that this is only the third time i've done this circuit, i feel stronger. of course, it might be due to the new supp i'm taking; basically a fat burning, pre-workout type thing. whatever it is, i like it. i had tons of energy today, and i didn't crash. i only had 6 cups of coffee throughout the day, AND I'M STILL ALIVE!! lol!! i was thinking of upping the intensity of the circuit a week early, but then decided against it, at least until tomorrow to see if i have any soreness.
here's my intake: 7:30- fat burner 8:20- protein & supps 8:50- coffee w/splenda 9:50- coffee w/splenda 10:45- tuna and spinach on whole wheat 11:30- fat burner 1:30- post-workout protein & supps - 1/2 apple 3:00- meatloaf sandwich on whole wheat w/cheddar and spinach 4:00- coffee w/splenda 5:20- coffee w/splenda 6:00- chicken breast and spinach
i have a roast in the oven right now {it's about 7pm}, which i will be slicing and wrapping later for sandwiches and stir-fries. sometime this week, i'll be making a pot of lentil and barley soup too, so i will stop eating so much damn bread.
tomorrow's workout is going to be insanity cardio recovery. it's the least intense of all the insanity workouts, but is still pretty hard. while i won't be jumping/running around and gasping for breath, i WILL be sweating like a pig and swearing my head off at shawn t. also, after tomorrow i'm not taking a day off {i usually go 2 days on and 1 day off}, since i feel that i had plenty of time off this week. here's hoping i can find my motivation, and stop slacking!! feel free to bitch at me to keep me from being a lazy kitchen bitch!!
today i did insanity's cardio power and resistance. it was hard.. well none of insanity's workouts are easy, but this one is probably the hardest of month 1. my legs felt rubbery and weak by the half way point, but i managed to power through anyway. my weakest point is my upper body strength, but i am happy to report that i am able to do pushups now, without too much difficulty.
was an awesome fucking day to be lazy!! i'm not as sore as i thought i would be, and feeling pretty energetic. even though i had planned to do nothing more strenuous than lift the coffee cup to my mouth, i did end up sweeping the floors AGAIN {fucking dirt BREEDS, swear to god!!}.
here's my intake: 9:00- protein & supps 10:00- coffee, 2 sugar - 2 hotdogs with mustard {yes, I KNOW! shit food!!} 10:15- coffee, 2 sugar 11:15- coffee, 2 sugar 12:25- coffee, 2 sugar 1:30- 1/2 ham sandwich w/spinach on whole wheat 3:20- coffee, 2 sugar 3:30- coffee, 2 sugar 4:25- coffee, 2 sugar 5:15- coffee, 2 sugar 5:30- coffee, 2 sugar 7:15- chicken, basmati rice, and onions {all just thrown together in a pan with a little EVOO and tons of garlic} - coffee, 2 sugar
i bet some of you {if anyone at all reads these lol} are like, "holy shit bitch, cut back on the coffee!!" and yes, i know i drink too much. but i'm actually doing better than i have been before my food journal, since i make myself write everything down. i'd say i drink about 20% less.
anyway, back to the grind tomorrow. even though it IS superbowl sunday, i will still have to get my workout in {insanity cardio power and resisitance} early. and i can tell you know that i am going to be eating pizza & chips, and drinking beer. but it only comes once a year!! GOOO PATRIOTS!!
today was ok. i did start the food journal again, like i said i would. it's better when i write everything down, because that way i feel guilty if the cookies or bread {i LOVE toast at night lol} start calling my name at odd hours.
for my workout today, i did the fat blasting circuit that i did on day 2. it went pretty good, and i still have lots of energy. i know i will be feeling it tomorrow though.
my sister pulled through with her promise to bitch at me every day to work out. it's actually kind of funny. i was about to take my pre-workout supps {i take them 30 minutes to 1 hour before working out} when i saw her slightly bitchy, totally hilarious post on my wall. i will never be able to miss a day now.. what have i gotten myself into??
anywho, here is my intake today: 8:30- protein & supps 8:45- coffee, 2 sugar 10:50- coffee, 2 sugar 11:30- pasta, chicken, spinach, w/hot sauce {all of that shit mixed together = YUM lol} 12:05- coffee, 2 sugar 1:15- coffee, 2 sugar 2:20- post-workout protein & supps 3:10- coffee, 2 sugar 4:05- coffee, 2 sugar 4:20- i cup basmati rice, 1 mini-burger {homemade} on homemade flax roll w/ spinach and a dab of mayo 5:15- coffee, 2 sugar 5:40- coffee, 2 sugar 6:00- coffee, 2 sugar 7:00- ham sandwich on whole wheat w/ spinach {lol i'm a spinach freak!!} - small bowl of doritos
hmmm... seems i get most of my calories from the sugar in my coffee. and i did eat really crappy. but grocery day is coming soon, and as always, we're running low on some things. so i am kind of limited as to my choices. next week, maybe i will try splenda.. hopefully it won't kill me or make me radioactive. another thing to put on the shopping list is quinoa, chia seeds, and steel cut oats. THEN i'll really be able to clean up my diet.
yeah, ok. i slacked like a motherfucker for a few days. i took my r&r {rest & recovery} day last week, and i just didn't know when to fuck off with the r&r. dammit, getting my pre-baby body back is hard! fuck, i'd even settle for my pre-#3 body!!
on friday night, i said fuck it, and had a couple bottles of wine after cleaning the whole house. it was fun, but did i ever regret it the next day!! needless to say, i did not work out on saturday!! that was also the day that BF came home after a 3 day absence, and we fought bitterly. every day until yesterday. and even though that is no excuse to slack on my mission to get fit and healthy, that's exactly what i did. plus, it's really fucking hard to concentrate on what to do and what to eat when you're constantly leaking tears and feeling like everything you've worked for the past 8 years no longer means a thing. but enough of that. a lot of things were said-by both of us-that needed to be said. apologies were made, and a peace treaty of sorts is in progress.
now... today {as well as all the days i didn't blog about it}, i didn't do the food journal. i will restart that tomorrow. i'll be more likely to stick with it this time too, since i have enlisted my sisters to help me stay motivated every day. i'm lucky to have them, even though we don't see nearly enough of each other.
today was day 3, because i am just picking up where i left off last week. and that means, it was the day for insanity's plyometric cardio circuit. this is some hard shit, but also one of my fave insanity workouts so far. here's a youtube vid i found to give you an idea of the FUCKING HELL that shawn t put me through today.
now, obviously that vid is really speeded up; the workout is actually 40 or so minutes long. i'm happy to report that i didn't have any nausea this time, and right now {about 2 hours later}, i am still BURSTING with energy. i have the boys doing their chores, potty training #3, cooking supper, and i'm hoping i have enough in me to mop the floors after. this would all be fucking amazing on a normal day... BUT today it is a fucking MIRACLE.. seeing as how i only had 3 hours sleep last night.
tomorrow i'll be doing the fat blasting circuit from my oxygen magazine. i'm looking forward to it, because it's not as intense as insanity, but you can tell you've really given your muscles a good working.
that's all i have for today. i'm disappointed in myself for slacking, but that's done and over with. there's no point in dwelling on it any more because i can't take it back. i'll see you all again tomorrow!!
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